Carl
panted in the aisle. He looked around and wiped the sweat off of his brow. He
hated grocery stores. Even though he was literally a demon, he hated being in
public. It made him crazy. Suddenly a woman turned the corner into the aisle
and froze, staring at him. He froze too. She started inching away, and he did
too. His hoof got caught on a protruding piece from the shelf and Carl fell
over. All three thousand pounds of him slammed into the ground. Carl’s
self-consciousness only got worse when he was reminded of his weight. The woman
was too scared to realize that Carl just tripped and started screaming for
help. She ran away, and Carl tried to run too, but you can’t run on two hooves,
so he fell over again. He flattened his nose on the ground and rolled onto his
back. Carl grabbed some Raisin Bran and got out of the store. He didn’t realize
that he forgot to get a new razor until he was far away from the store.
When
he got home he sat down to relax. He had gone from threatening red to bright
and sweaty red. He started making tea, when his phone rang.
“Hey
Carl, how you doin’?” Lucifer said on the other side.
“I’m
alright, I had a pretty bad time at the store today, but I’m fine.”
“Did
those 10 year olds with the squirt-guns get you again?”
“No,
I just don’t do well in public, you know?”
“I
don’t.”
“Well
like, I just get so flustered, and everything gets worse.”
“Carl,
you are literally a monster. How do you just get nervous?”
“I
don’t know—I just like, I just get so uncomfortable, I start sweating, and I
just can’t stop thinking about the people around me judging me and I sweat
worse.”
“Carl,
come on. You were literally born in fire, how do you have such a sweating
problem?”
“I
don’t know, I can’t help it.”
“Carl,
I sent you to earth to do my evil bidding, and you can’t even get some oatmeal
without falling apart.”
Carl
began to sweat.
“I’m
sorry. I really like this job. I want to keep doing it. I just get nervous
sometimes,” Carl said.
“Carl,
you’re a demon, you shouldn’t get nerv—“
“I’m
so sorry, okay? I’ll try harder next time.”
“Carl,
seriously. Calm down. I have a project for you. There are some junior
missionaries, mostly five-year-olds, having a meeting near you later today. I
need you to get in there and torture some of those ‘perfect’ little boys. Maybe
it’ll prepare them for getting molested by their priest.”
Lucifer
hung up the phone. Carl exhaled and laid down on his couch. He looked at the
ceiling and groaned. He was terrible with kids. One time he was trying on
cardigans, and this little girl thought he was a character from a TV show. She
ran up and hugged him and said hi to him, and he froze up. He started sweating all
over a cardigan that cost $100, and they made him pay for it. The money he handed
them was soggy.
Carl
lay on the wet spot he made on his couch with no idea what to do. He called his
mom for moral support.
“How
are you Carl?” she asked.
“Alright.
Work is pretty stressful,” he said.
“What’s
going on?”
“Well
you know how I get nervous and sweaty sometimes? I was trying to go shopping
and I was nervous, and then this lady scared me, and I freaked out and forgot
that I only have two hooves, and I tried to run and fell over. It was really
embarrassing.”
“What
does that have to do with work?”
“Well
I got home, and now Lucifer wants me to go torture some little kids. I hate
kids, mom.”
“I
know. You’ll be fine.”
“No,
I won’t. I’ll mess it up.”
“Carl,
really. It’s not that bad, you’ll be f—“
“No,
I’m going to mess it all up. I know it!”
“Alright,
listen. If you start to get nervous, just take a few deep breaths and close
your eyes for a minute. If you can do it, I’ll take you to get ice cream.”
Carl’s
mother never understood his affinity for ice cream.
“Okay,
I’ll try that. Thanks mom.”
Carl
neared the church where the tiny missionaries would be. He started taking deep
breaths when he saw the little bus they were on. He got to the bus and nobody
inside noticed him. He closed his eyes, breathed in, and stepped onto the bus.
It sunk to the side from his weight. He got inside and looked at the kids, and
they looked at him. He started to sweat.
“Mister
Knickleberry!” one of the kids yelled. Mister Knickleberry, the cartoon
character that Carl apparently looked like. Carl didn’t know anything about the
show or the character, but he hated him anyway.
The
kids tried to go hug him. He started sweating more. He freaked out. He knocked
the bus driver out of the bus, and then he jumped into the side of the bus and
knocked it over. The kids started screaming, and the door was facing the
ground. The bus actually had an illegal amount of emergency exits, just one,
and Carl accidentally smashed the lever for it so it couldn’t be used. The kids
screamed more, and their chaperone joined in. They were now stuck in the bus.
Carl got claustrophobic and started to drip. He panicked and rolled around
until one of his horns stabbed a seat and got stuck. He sweated and freaked out
more. He got out his cell phone and called Lucifer.
“Hello?”
Lucifer said when he picked up.
“I
need help,” Carl said.
“What?
I can’t hear you over what I hope is screaming children,” Lucifer said.
“Yeah
we’re all trapped in a bus together.”
“You
mean like, you trapped them in a bus, but you’re in the bus, too?”
“Yeah,
and one of my horns is stuck in a seat.”
“At
least the kids are screaming.”
“The
police are here. Can you help me?”
“I—
wait, they probably reported a big red thing, and then if you’re not there,
they’ll freak out! I’ll get you out. This will be great!”
A
red portal opened up and a black hand emerged from it. It tried to grab Carl,
but slid off from the sweat.
“Uh,
Carl?” Lucifer said.
“What?”
Carl said nervously.
“I
hope the reason the hand couldn’t get a grip was because you’re covered in
tears.”
“No.”
“Is
that—“
“Yes.”
“Gross.”
The
hand emerged again with a towel. It wiped down a spot on Carl’s leg and grabbed
it. It dragged him through into Lucifer’s office. Lucifer congratulated Carl
and sent him to go take a lava shower. When he returned, Lucifer was watching
the news report on what happened.
“Mister
Knickleberry?” Lucifer said.
“Y—yes,”
Carl responded.
“So
they think it’s a guy in a costume who somehow tipped a bus over and then
vanished?”
“Yes.”
“That
is amazing. I think that is the best thing I’ve heard all day. Congratulations,
Carl! I think you deserve a promotion! I can move you if you would like.”
“Yes,
please.”
“Where
do you want to go? Do you want to make crazy terrifying creatures to put in
South America and Australia? Or do you want to go to the North Pole with a
flamethrower?”
“Can
I just have a desk job here?”
“Carl,
are you serious?”
“Yes,
I get nervous around people. I just want to be alone in an office.”
“Fine,
whatever. You can be an accountant. You don’t even have to talk to me in
person.”
A
smile exploded across Carl’s face and he lit up. It was a dream come true.
“Yes!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Carl said as he hugged Lucifer.
“Ew,
gross, you’re already sticky again.” Lucifer said.
“I
won’t let you down!” Carl said, slipping and falling on his own sweat as he
left the office.
